Yes Minister (of State for Energy Security and Net Zero)

A parody – all fiction (except where its not)

With acknowledgement to Johnathan Lynn and Anthony Jay and of course the BBC

Main Image © BBC

A good night's sleep?

Marriott Hotel, Kensington London, 20 February 2024 21:00pm

'Answer, please answer.'

'Minister, how can I help you?'

'Thank goodness Humphrey. Are you still in the office?'

'Of course Minister, still hard at it.'

'Sorry, I thought I just heard an end of interval call?'

'Ah no - I am at my desk listening to Radio three Minister.'

'Oh, I have never heard them play music from Les Miserables on Radio three before.'

'Ah - it's a special Minisiter, the BBC trying to attract a younger demographic, to stop us freezing the licence fee again.'

'Right, well, anyway I got off the tube at Kensington Olympia about an hour ago and was a bit shocked by what I saw.'

'A train Minister?'

'Yes of course a train! It was one of those nuclear flask trains you told me about, with two big blue engines at the front and three large white blocks on wagons behind them.'

'They are flasks Minister.'

'Well I didn't read the label Thermos on them, but they were only feet away from me as the train went through.'

'Yes Minister. It is the train from the decommisioned Dungeness power stations to Crewe that is scheduled to pass through every Tuesday evening. It actually ran through empty to Dungeness at about six this morning.'

'I know we have discussed this before Humphrey, but are you sure it's safe? I didn't realise they came through the centre of cities, I thought we just sent them on country routes.'

'Of course they are safe Minister. You saw the video of the crash we staged where the flask was unharmed but the train written off?'

'Yes, but that was in the middle of nowhere, not two-hundred yards from my hotel!'

'Well Minister, apart from the lines we keep specifically for nuclear power stations, we have very few country routes we can divert flask trains on to becasue of the Beeching cuts.'

'So on one of my nights here in town, I have a train carrying unprocessed nuclear waste below my bedroom window?'

'Well not exactly under your window Minister, and there are actually paths for trains every weekday night if there is sufficient waste to process. But you have been happlily staying in that hotel since two-thousand and five.'

'Humphrey, I am not happy any more. This cannot continue. Whilst as the Minisiter responsible I recognise that the trains maybe safe, my wife may not be so reassured when she comes down to stay over with me. Please can you ask Bernard to find me another hotel?'

'Well not tonight Minister, Bernard left a couple of hours ago. These young people and their social lives.'

'I thought the civil service were partying less now the Covid crisis is over?'

'Minister. I will ask him deal with it first thing in the morning. Now forgive me I must get to my seat.. I am sorry I mean desk Minister.'

'Ok Humphrey, I think I may just order some room service and do my Red Boxes, but remember first thing Humphrey.'

'Goodnight Minister.'