Yes Minister (of State for Energy Security and Net Zero)

A parody – all fiction (except where its not)

With acknowledgement to Johnathan Lynn and Anthony Jay and of course the BBC

Main Image © BBC

24,000 years

Whitehall Place, London, 12 February 2024 17:30pm

'Minister your call from Burstwick?'

'Sorry Bernard, what call?'

'With the NWS representative at the last drop-in for the South Holderness GDF. You said you wanted an update.'

'Yes of course Bernard, but it better be quick, I have cocktails in the House at six. put him through. Helllo.'

'Good evening Minister.'

'Good evening, and how has it gone today?'

'Exceptionally well Minister, some of the best numbers we have had on any event and steady throughout the day.'

'But aren't some of your numbers because the protest group has been publicising the drop-ins?'

'Well they have Minister, and we are very grateful to get the word out to a wide audience.'

'Any problems from the protest group today?'

'No not really, and we were prepared. We had a female SIA in attendence.'

'What's an SIA? and you know we are not supposed to use genders any more?'

'SIA stands for Security Industry Authority Minister, someone who is trained to deal with potential disturbances.'

'You mean a bouncer?'

'A person who is trained to deal with potential disturbances Minister.'

'That sounds like a bouncer to me. I thought the group was a couple of retired ladies, I mean people?'

'Well there were few people of various genders and ages, so we thought an SIA who wasn't male would be appropriate.'

'And did they cause any trouble?'

'Well they intercepted people on the way in and out and they brought along a table with posters, t-shirts and post-it notes.'

'Post-it notes? what's so special about them?'

'Minister, might I interject?'

'Yes Bernard.'

'You remember the piece I showed you from BBC Look North covering the Aldbrough drop-in?'

'Yes it didn't seem to go too badly, glad to see the BBC is becoming less biased towards the government.'

'Well Minister, the NWS had a board on which attendees could write what they thought about the proposal, having looked round the displays and speaking with the representatives.'

'Sounds eminently sensible and in the spirit of openess.'

'Minister I think I should hand you back to Burstwick.'

'OK, so what was the problem with the post-it notes?'

'Well Minister they all said NO and the camera stayed on them for quite along time.'

'Oh. And has it happened again?'

'No Minister, the next day was at Easington, and during the transport moves overnight we appeared to lose both the board and any new notes.'

'So they brought their own today?'

'Yes Minister and asked us if we would like to borrow some.'

'Did they catch us out on anything else?'

'Well Minister I did speak to their Chairperson.'

'You mean the one with blue hair?'

'Yes Minister, and I told her that over the five drop-ins they hadn't asked anything we weren't prepared for.'

'Well done your team, please congratulate them all from me.'

'Ah, and then we had another woman come in and ask 'Who here is twenty-four thousand years old and can tell me what's going to happen to the waste then?'

'How did you answer that?'

'Well Minister, I passed her over to one of our geologists.'