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Yes Minister (of State for Energy Security and Net Zero)

A parody – all fiction (except where its not)

With acknowledgement to Johnathan Lynn and Anthony Jay and of course the BBC

© Mike Davis 2024 

Main Image © BBC

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Where can you put your (nuclear) waste?

Whitehall Place, London, 17 April 2024  5:00 pm

‘Bernard could you ask the Parliamentary Undersecretary to pop in?'

​

'Yes Minister.'

 

​'The Undersecretary Minister.'

 

‘Good evening.’

 

‘Good evening Minister, I assume you would like me to do something.’

 

‘Not exactly, I need some information. You are responsible for NWS. This morning Humphrey showed me the report on why we couldn’t get a GDF in South Holderness.’

 

‘Oh, to paraphrase Malcolm Tucker “that shit show". Where your predecessor went from saying on the local evening news that the area should look to a bright nuclear future, to within a week saying he was uncertain and wanted a referendum on it. Then after the council vote to withdraw, I had to write a letter to say it would not happen. It is almost triggering.’

 

‘You’re not the first to say that. However the Secretary of State and the PM are insistent that it doesn’t happen again at the three remaining sites, particularly not Theddlethorpe, and I realise I am going to need more information about the process to establish a GDF.’

 

‘Of course, how can I help?’

 

‘Why are NWS looking at three sites, and why did they want a fourth in South Holderness?’

 

‘Well there were four, but geological surveys at Allerdale in Cumbria found it wasn’t the right conditions for long term burial of waste. So when the East Riding development agency said they would be interested, NWS jumped right in to use it as a replacement, particularly as it wasn’t far from the other site at Theddlethorpe.’

 

‘So the ground conditions are similar in Theddlethorpe and South Holderness?’

 

‘Well NWS were looking for mercia mudstone, which is a geology that is self-healing.’

 

‘Self-healing?’

 

‘Yes, as you know the treated nuclear waste will be buried in protective cannisters deep underground so it can decay naturally. However, the cannisters will deteriorate over time, certainly they will not last a hundred and twenty-thousand years. So if they are in a clay-like substance which expands if it gets wet, the radiation will still be contained.’

 

‘And South Holderness and Theddlethorpe both have mercia mudstone?’

 

‘Yes, but there again so does a lot of England.'

 

‘But I don’t remember Cumbria being muddy?’

 

‘No, different environment entirely, lots of rock, but the primary consideration for the Cumbria sites was their proximity to Sellafield where the waste will be reprocessed.’

 

‘So why Theddletorpe? It's the back of beyond.’

 

‘Just because of that Minister. It has a very small population, politically a very cooperative pair of councils, and we have been dismantling a gas terminal there, so it is already an industrialised, brownfield site.’

 

‘That’s logical, but wouldn’t the mountains of Cumbria be better?’

 

‘Well it is the type of rock that is at issue, there are lots of caves in Cumbria, which means that water flows through the mountains and obviously over time could potentially wash radioactivity out, And politically it is Cumbria, would you want to go down in history as the person responsible for shoving nuclear waste down Peter Rabbit’s burrow?’

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