Yes Minister (of State for Energy Security and Net Zero)

‘Well Bernard, exciting times a new day, a new Minister.’

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‘Yes Sir Humphrey, I understand he hasn’t been in ministerial office since he left the Department for Workhouses and Penury in twenty-twenty one.’

 

‘Bernard’

 

‘Apologies Sir Humphrey, the Department for Work and Pensions, but as I understand it, he ruffled a few feathers there when he suggested that those on Universal Credit who were short on money should take in a lodger, despite the fact that in most cases any income they gained from a lodger would be deducted from their Universal Credit payment.’

 

‘Thank you Bernard.’

 

‘Do we know the priorities the Prime Minister has set him?’

 

‘I think staying in post until the next election will be top of his list.’

 

‘Yes, but do you think he will want to know about the GDF issue? It did bring down his predecessor.’

 

‘No Bernard, we have given him a full in-tray. As

Minister for Net Zero carbon emissions, he will be fully focused on the new off-shore drilling for oil in Scotland, and development of the coal mine in Cumbria so he should not have the time to worry about our previous difficulties. And on that point Bernard, please could you arrange for some quick photo-opportunities in Shetland and Whitehaven?’

 

‘To keep him out of the office?’

 

‘No Bernard, to keep his focus.’

 

‘Certainly, Sir Humphrey, but don’t you think he will want to see the report on why the South Holderness proposal failed?’

 

‘Well Bernard, for a start he doesn’t know about that report. I will not be telling him about it, and I assume that any member of the Department that still wants a career after the next election will know not to tell him.’

 

'Apologies Sir Humphrey, that's my phone. The Minister just arrived, shall I bring him in?’

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‘Well, it is his office Bernard.’

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‘Good morning, Minister, I am Bernard your Principal Private Secretary, and this is Sir Humphrey Appleby.’

 

‘Thank you, Bernard. Good morning, Sir Humphrey, I have heard a lot about you.’

 

‘Good morning, Minister, all good I hope, and please feel free to call me Humphrey.’

 

‘Of course, Humphrey, you do know I have been in office before?’

 

‘Yes Minister.’

 

‘And I do know that large pile of papers on the side of my desk is intended to keep me busy.’

 

‘Minister.’

 

‘Now, I know my predecessor gave very short notice of his departure. He was probably the only Minister ever to resign so he could spend more time in his constituency. But after the South Holderness debacle, I understand he is genuinely worried about his majority.’

 

‘But Minister, it is considered a safe seat for your party. I believe he had a twenty-thousand majority in twenty-nineteen, and his predecessor did not attend parliament at all in the last two years of his tenure, but still the electorate voted for your man.’

 

‘Yes Bernard, and I have a majority of sixteen-thousand , but with current polling we could all be at risk unless we deliver on the Prime Minister’s promises.’

 

‘Apologies Minister.’

 

‘Humphrey I would like an analysis of how that group in South Holderness managed to get the council to vote against the GDF even though it was council that invited NWS in.’

 

‘You seem very well briefed on the subject Minister.’

 

‘Not in detail Humphrey, hopefully I can leave that to the Undersecretary, but The Prime Minister and a great number of the back bench are very keen on having new nuclear power stations. The promise of lots of well-paid jobs in levelling up areas and marginal constituencies. However, they will all produce waste during their lifetime and will need to be taken down when they have finished being used. If we can’t demonstrate where that waste is going to go, and as I understand the preferred option is this GDF, we may have a problems justifying they should built, notwithstanding all the waste that is currently piled up around the UK.’

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‘I understand Minister.’

 

‘What I need to know is how the group in South Holderness took down a thirty-eight billion government department,  a major council, and my predecessor, their own MP in fact, in twenty-seven days! That is not going to be my fate Humphrey. I want to know how, given all the resources and supposed professional communicators we employ, how they took over the narrative and seemed to out-manoeuvre everything we did.’

 

‘Point of correction Minister it wasn’t the department that they out-manoeuvred, it was NWS.’

 

‘Bernard, I may be new here but unlike some of my colleagues in this government I do read by briefs and did look very carefully at the department structure when the Prime Minister appointed me. I know that NWS is part of the NDA and that the NDA reports to the Undersecretary, and that Undersecretary reports to me, and we are both Ministers in the Department. So the way I see it, the group took down the department. And I repeat, I do not want that to happen again on my watch, however short it may be. If we have a November election, not that I can confirm or deny that potential date, there are at least eight twenty-seven day periods I need to be worried about’

 

‘Why are you so concerned about the South Holderness group Minister? Surely their battle is over.’

 

‘Really Humphrey? Do you look at their website or Facebook page?’

 

‘Not personally Minister but someone from our communications team monitors activity a couple of times a week.’

 

‘Do they know we do that ?’

 

‘Of course Minister, they have even mentioned it in their posts. Why do you ask about their site?’

 

‘Because Humphrey, if you looked at their last Committee minutes you would see that despite winning the battle as you put it, they are, and I quote, going to “maintain the Committee recognising that a change in government could also bring a change in legislation and decision making, because the need for long-term nuclear waste storage has not gone away.”

 

‘Well of course Minister you, or indeed one of you your successors, could use the twenty-fifteen legislation to decide that a GDF is of strategic national interest, and override any of the current decisions. But do you need an analysis now?’

 

‘Yes Humphrey. As I understand it, we only have three potential sites now, and I don’t want to lose any of them because they have learnt the lessons from South Holderness. The Prime Minister and the Secretary of State are quite insistent that this department will not be embarrassed again.  I can’t believe my predecessor didn’t ask for an analysis. What did he say to you?’

 

‘Minister, the Civil Service has an ethos of confidentiality and discretion. When you have left office, would you like me to tell your successor of all our discussions? Particularly if that person is from the current opposition?’

 

‘Humphrey, the Prime Minister and I are confident that the party can still win a potential November general election.’

 

‘Minister.’

 

‘So, when can I have a report?’

 

‘Minister, I will establish a working party immediately’.

 

‘Thank you, Humphrey. But when will it report?’

 

‘Well Minister, we will need to assemble the appropriate parties, put out a call for evidence, hold internal hearings, produce an initial draft, circulate the draft to all interested parties for comment and correction, and then produce the report for yourself.’

 

‘And when would that report be available?’

 

‘Well subject to the appropriate people being available, I think we could have it ready by say November?’

 

‘Humphrey, that is not acceptable. What do you mean about our own people being available, don’t we pay them to work for us.’

 

‘Well yes Minister, but since COVID a lot of staff now work from home and sometimes are not as, shall we say responsive, as when they are in their offices.’

 

‘Humphrey! You and I both know that productivity has actually increased from those staff working at home across all government departments, despite what Rees-Mogg spouts on GB News. I want that report Wednesday morning first thing. I will be going back to the constituency tomorrow night after the smoking ban debate and arriving on the seven forty-four the following morning. So Bernard please can you send a car to collect me.’

 

‘Yes Minister, but as you are coming on Great Western trains, I will make sure it waits in one of the long-stay parking places.’